Friday, August 8, 2008

Don't EVER Say That You Have Nothing To Blog About

I must first start with a warning. This post is gross. And if bodily functions offend you, please, for both of us, move to the top right and click the big red X. I have questioned my sensibility many times over that I am even sharing this to begin with. That being said, I have never claimed to be sensible. I will probably deeply regret this post tomorrow at church when I am staring at some of your sweet faces, but it IS kinda funny, so...here we go:

Today, we had the biggest meeting of the year for our homeschool cover. It is a HUGE cover, so this meeting is a really big deal for us. If any of you have been reading here for any length of time, you probably already know that my friend, DonDee (yes, I am calling YOUR name!) and I are the leaders for our geographical area. That means nada, except to say that we were there today kind of early in order to get things ready. We were walking around the building to orientate ourselves when we happened upon the auditorium. It was dark (we were really early), but the leaders of our school, the people who frequently share a meal with our Senator and other such important people, were the only two in there doing the preliminary preparations.

It was at that time that I had the "need" to use the facilities. It is extremely important for me to convey to you that we are talking about a girl who has such an aversion to public restrooms, that my body has actually become so inhibited while camping that I didn't go # 2 for the entire week. So the fact that I was even feeling any kind of urge whatsoever was perplexing me a bit. At that point, DonDee looked at me and asked what we should do next. I matter-of-factly stated that this would probably be a fine time to find an Out-Of-The-Way bathroom. She made some remark about jr. high because I didn't put it that delicately, and we began our search.

We ended up finding said Out-Of-The-Way bathroom relatively quickly. DonDee mumbled something about lighting a match as I was closing the door behind me. When I looked on the back of the toilet, I noticed something that I was SURE was a candle which completely cracked me up because of DonDee's match comment. I quickly forgot about the candle before I could really ponder it thoroughly though, because as I sat down, I experienced what is one of the most dreaded and nasty of all public restroom (or any restroom for that matter) experiences. The seat was wet. And it was too late. I was already fully parked.

I was at a crossroads in my existence at that point, people. I could either scream and wail the way I really wanted to, or redirect my thoughts to something else. You will be happy to know that I chose the latter. The thought that I decided to utilize was that of saying a word that rhymes with "coop" to DonDee and watching the shock spread across her face for a mere moment. There really is a gene that has been passed on for many a generation on the paternal side of my family to CRAVE being able to shock someone into a certain expression. It is so priceless to me and I live for it. It's a sickness, really, I know.

So anyway, as I am sitting there re-living "the expression" I am falling into peals of laughter while I am on the throne. I finally forced myself to gain composure and finish what I had gone in there for in the first place, but don't you know, that while I was focusing on the "candle" upon arrival, I failed to check for toilet paper. Yeah. Thankfully, I have 4 children who frequently need tissues in church, so I had it all taken care of. At this point, I was ready to part ways with my little Out-Of-The-Way bathroom, because I had had enough of its antics. But it wasn't done with me. No, not by a long shot.

As I put my foot (because who really touches those) on the flusher and pushed down, nothing happened. So I pushed harder. Nothing. I began to maniacally wiggle the flusher in all different directions still using my foot while balancing on one leg, when I caught another glimpse of the candle on the back of the toilet. "What kind of candle doesn't have a wick?" I thought to myself. Then it all came crashing into my mind like a flood. The wrench. The WD-40 and other tools on the sink as I whizzed by upon entering. THAT, my friends, was no candle, it was the water supply seal. Let me break it down for you. No attached water supply seal = No water to the toilet = No flushing of it's contents.

I am no plumber, people. I quickly weighed the thought, at that moment, of giving it my best shot, but all I could picture was massive amounts of water spraying everywhere if I touched something, so I did what any self-respecting, adolescent-minded, 33 year old woman would do. I bolted.

My well-formulated plan was to open that door, meet up with DonDee, and quickly mosey far, far away from my sin. As soon as I cracked that door, I saw my non-suspecting friend and I was almost home-free when out of the corner of my eye I saw Her. I tried not to panic. Afterall, she may just be passing by, right? So I closed the door to the wicked Out-Of-The-Way bathroom right as She Who Frequently Dines With Senators, greeted me by name AND WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT BATHROOM.

I lunged at DonDee, grabbed her by the arm and jerked her to the nearest stairwell desperately whisper-spitting "IT'S BAD. IT'S REEEEEAL BAD!!!" She rolled her eyes to the back of her skull thinking I was just trying to drag her back to my jr. high world again and just stared at me. I just kept begging her to RUN. I could only manage 2 words at a time, so I kept repeating "Flusher Broken! Hurry UP!" Eventually she put it all together and hoofed it up the stairs with me to a far off classroom where I contemplated how long it would take me to slit my wrists with a spork while she whipped open her cell phone to call anyone who would answer their phone.

After a solid hour of coaxing me to come out of the fetal position, DonDee finally convinced me to face my fears and walk back through that hall (the only way) to get to the auditorium because our meeting would be starting. I finally got up, went back down the stairs only to be greeted by a VERY angry looking janitor spraying Lysol all through the hallway after she had very noticeably cleaned the bathroom (I know this because the doors were propped open and everything looked disinfected). I quickly walked past her avoiding her glance and made my way to the auditorium.

Before long, the meeting was started and She Who Frequently Dines With Senators began to speak. She thanked us for coming, mentioned a few other important things, and then wasted no time requesting that we show respect for the facilities. She went on to give us examples. Her first example was that if we found a piece of paper lying around, pick it up and throw it away, but it was with great exuberance that she made her next point "If you make a mess in the bathroom, PLEASE be sure to clean up after yourselves!". Then we went into prayer. No kidding. I closed my eyes wishing for sudden death when all at once, I thought there was an earthquake because the entire pew was convulsing. But wait. It wasn't an earthquake at all. It was DonDee turning 65 shades of purple with tears streaming out of her eyes in an attempt to suppress her laughter.

And do you know what she said to me when it was all said and done? "I (ha-ha) just (ha-ha) couldn't (ha-ha) help (ha-ha) it.....(SNORT).....YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE....(BWAAAAHAHAAAHHHAA!!!). Oh. Well now I completely understand.

Going to die now,

36 comments:

Jenni at talking hairdryer said...

That's the funniest thing I've read all day! Did She Who Dines With Senators mention finding an
"OUT OF ORDER" sign to put in restroom stalls that didn't work appropriately?

That's something you could've raised a stink about.

His Girl said...

okay, this is the best post ever. I am laughing so hard, and this is coming from a girl who has made herself ill at many a women's retreat because of fears of exactly just this sort of thing. Its so artfully written I cannot even tell you the respect I have for you now. brilliant!

this post seals it. we have to be friends. cause holy moly. I feel so bonded to you now.

Sing4joy said...

What a way to start off on your blog!! I'm guessing it will now and forever more, be impossible for you to use the public potty. I am just a wee bit ashamed to admit that would likely have responded the same was DonDee. Oh wait, I am now!hahaha

Leslie said...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED! I LAUGHED SO HARD!

DonDee said...

You have another friend named DonDee? That is sooo weird...

carrie said...

oh my gosh. No way. I would be mortified also.

I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I feel soooo bad for you right now.

Gayle said...

Posts like this are why I feel we are soul sisters.

the other Gayle

Krista said...

That is hilarious! Great post. I'm with Dondee, I have tears streaming down my face streaking my make-up!

Caroline said...

My kids wonder why I am laughing so hard.

Oh.

My.

Gayle, THIS is why I am forever your friend.

Dondee...your comment totally cracked me up and if I had been there I would have LOL right there in the prayer.

Lora Lynn said...

cringing for you, friend! I would have totally done the same thing.

Mocha with Linda said...

That's too funny. Mostly!

But since the facilities were broken, I think they could have been a bit more sympathetic and sensitive. I'm with the commenter who said there should have been an Out of Order Sign on the door. It's not like you used the sink for the toilet.

DidiLyn said...

You have reached the pinnacle of bloggy "ewww!"
You will never be able to surpass this story. Hollywood sitcom writers could not surpass this story.
I'm sorry for your pain. But on the bright side, you got to come home and blog about it! Yahoo! :-)

DaNella Auten said...

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA... Too funny, during that anouncement, Lorna looked over at me and said "It is such a shame to have to say that to adults..."

MCC said...

Pretty sure we were seperated at birth...I have a HUGE issue w/ public facilities.

MCC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Halfmoon Girl said...

Using the wrong toilet just stinks, doesn't it??? har har. I could totally hang out with you too. Your descriptions cracked me up, especially the one of Dondee laughing in church, as there is something uncontrollably hilarious about laughing when it is not proper to. Thanks for sharing, it made my morning!

Kent said...

I have MAJOR issues with public restrooms--I used to make it 1 week at cheerleader camp w/o going! i just know something like this could happen to me---i would die!!!!
i agree that they should have an out of order sign posted before someone decides to post-HA!! It is a little too late at that point.
I would love to know what got deleted!

Reformed Grits said...

You can dress the girl up, but you can't take her out. Geez Gayle, I need to school you in "Passing The Buck 101" which would have left you walking by "Her" saying, "You do NOT want to go in there. Someone did a doozy."

:-)

And thanks for sharing. I'm completely grossed out now! :-D

Kristin said...

That is really funny. That only happens to you. (Or I guess I should say you are the only one I know brave enough to share it witht he world.

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

I get first dibs on our hotel bathroom.

Under the Florida Sun said...

What a funny story. LOL. I know we have never met in person, but I would so have loved to be your friend during this. I LOVE having a GREAT laugh WITH my friends.

Growin' with it! said...

21 comments already...and on such an interesting subject. okay, so i came by this morning and had a mouth full of scrambled eggs. so took the warning and came back now...at lunch...with pbj in hand and the thought "come on, how bad can it be"?

i quickly put it down and laughed til i wanted to cry along with you. gayle...you by far get the funniest post of the week in my book. you are one hilarious bloggie friend! now that i know ALL about you, i sure wish we could meet!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Oh Gayle--what a gift for the narrative! Too funny. and just so you know, my bowels go on strike when I leave home, too. What is that about?? I just can't believe the speaker made mention of it. Surely anyone would know that barring kids being there, something went terribly, terribly wrong in the restroom.

Emily said...

I missed this for a stinkin' birthday party? My brother in law can turn 50 another year.....I just can't miss stuff like this.

You made quite an impression. quite. an. impression.

Did you go up and shake her hand afterwards?

Andrea said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor, poor Gayle....you do get yourself into a pickle quite often.

I saw M at church today. Did you not go out of embarrassment? ;-)

Andrea said...

Oh look I found this little article...hope it helps!

http://www.ehow.com/how_2257918_overcome-public-restroom-embarrassment.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_art

:-)

DaNella Auten said...

Gayle share with me your secrets, how did you do your signature...?

melissajeffers said...

That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Who knew that your written tales were as funny as your tales in person. I was mortified for you girl...

melissajeffers said...

That was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Who knew that your written tales were as funny as your tales in person. I was mortified for you girl...

javamamma said...

So I'm really sorry you had to live through that but really happy you gave me a giggle this evening. ;)

We're home. I'm NOT doing a million things that NEED done so I can catch up on blogs. Yay me.

Lemire Enterprises said...

It is 12:43 a.m. I am at the beach, in a condo, on a king size bed beside my little girl (cause her Daddy isn't here with us)and I can't believe the earthquake of me laughing didn't wake her up!!!

Oh ....Gayle!

OH....GAYLE!

Oh, I wish my K was here because I would so wake him up just to read this to him. I am tempted to call right now. No. It wouldn't be right for me to do such a thing.

Oh....Gayle!

I don't know when I will get over this. What I want to know is, at what point in all this did you start considering the blog possibilities? Be honest.

Fresh laughter is hitting me all over again. I am tempted to call you right now but I don't dare. M would kill me!

Don't you wonder what "she who dines with Senators" talked about as the highlight of her day!? Does SHE have a blog?

Crystal said...

LOL, I am laughing sooo hard right now. My kids are just looking at me like mom's lost it!! LOL
Too funny!!
Hugs,
Crystal
(TGR)

penny1010 said...

Gayle---this is exactly why I LOVE reading your blog!!!! That is so funny....and if I had any guts I may even confess of a similar thing happening to me once...but I'm too chicken!!! That is sooooooooo hysterical!!!!!!

Natalie @ I AM (not) said...

I haven't been here is a while...sooooo glad I came and scrolled down. THAT was so stinkin' funny. (pun totally intended)

Angela said...

I guess "She Who Frequently Dines With Senators" needed an Out-Of-The-Way bathroom as well! ROFL!!
Wonder if she found one in working order?

Great post - hilariously candid!
((hugs))
Angela

His Girl said...

just so you know, this post was brought up in our office yesterday, and we all CRACKED UP just as hard as we did the first time.

pure genius!